DrDeClutterBlog.com

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
~ Will Shriner, Comedian

Sometimes we don’t get to really grieve a parent or other loved ones passing - we are stilted for some reason - not really crying out the loss or shock, or laughing about the good times. Grief and feelings of sadness can be lifelong of course, but the initial grief process is very important.

I found out about the Jewish Mourning Rituals  ”Sitting Shiva” from watching a TV sitcom! It is a very good process for taking the time to really deal with the immediate emotions of loss. I thought that most of us non-Jewish people could use some of this wisdom. ”The mourners experience a week (shiva is from the word sheva, which means seven) of intense grief, and the community is there to love and comfort and provide for their needs. This is a critical point, for if one must feel the heart-wrenching pain of grief and loss, it should be done at a time when all those around are there to help and comfort.”

But what if you didn’t get that kind of “ritual?” What if you scurried around at the time of the funeral, flew in and flew home, or are still stuck with emotions and don’t know how to let them go?

WHAT TO DO? I suggested something to a client this week while helping her deal with her mother’s death (over two years ago) and tubs of letters, cards and “things” that she didn’t know how to let go of, but can be as helpful as Sitting Shiva.

EXERCISE: I suggested that she and her sister plan a weekend, rent a hotel room, take all the tubs of letters and cards that were saved by them all and go through them together. In this process they will be able to remember, share, really cry, weep, mourn, feel, “emote” and after all, laugh. They may also get angry, that’s okay too.

When we don’t have the time or some situation keeps us from moving our emotions out of our bodies there is a kind of fog or sense of “not quite here”-ness where we spend our days. Emotions get stuck in our bodies. Our job is to let them run their course freely and completely. This exercise is a great way to get them moving, as well as strengthen a relationship with a sibling or other family members who will join in.

What if the conversation and emotions turn to anger or negative memories? Take some tablets and markers. Write it out and walk all over it. Jump up and down on it! Rage and cry and move it out some more.

Don’t worry about looking foolish. Releasing emotions from our body is necessary for a healthy mind and body. Go for it!

And, if you don’t have a sibling or family member to do this exerise with close by, or at all, call a friend who loves you enough to “Sit Shiva” with you for a few days in a nice hotel, creating a deeper relationship with you too.

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

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