DrDeClutterBlog.com

I love movies, and had not heard of this one when it came out. Well, “Two Thumbs Up” is for sure!

If you think you know what you want in a mate, this movie will remind you to think again, in the best of ways!

I loved it!

Buy it, rent it, see it soon! It’s got everything, and it’s great.

Question: What stops you from being, doing or having what you want?

     – Money?
     – Health?
     – Others?
     – Education?

Answer: None of these.

The Number One only thing that keeps us from what we want is our beliefs and thoughts about it. Or, as I call it, “Inner Clutter.”

What do you want?

Do you believe you can be, do or have “it?”

Change your beliefs… change your life!

“Success is to be measured
not so much by the position that one has reached in life
as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.”
 ~ Booker T. Washington
1856-1915, American Leader and Educator

No matter what you desire, what you want, there will be risks involved. You will be challenged to change, to grow, to master new thoughts, ideas, skills and behaviors… you will have to declutter the “old you” identity and beliefs about who you think you are, and reorganize your thoughts to match the “new you.” 

Exercise:

Make two columns. On the left side, write a list of all the things you want to be better and/or different in your life. On the right side, write what changes in your beliefs and lifestyle, skills and routines you will have to change to get from here to there.

These will be your only obstacles! They are illusions!

You can change them! You can do it! One day, one step, one new action at a time.

If you need help staying focused and on-task to get from here to there… I can help you. I will work with you one-on-one by phone as your Focused Life Coach to help you stay on track to your prize! Click here to find out more.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Ahhh, the holidaze!

Jewish families have already begun celebrating Hanukkah, and before long, Christmas family gatherings will begin.  Can’t you just see it? Feel it? A beautiful Hallmark-Card-TV-Special-Normal-Rockwell-Painting!

No?

If you’re already downing antacids and complaining – to yourself and to others – about the next few weeks, I want to remind you of a few things that may help you experience your holiday family time with more joy and less stress.

Families Are A Collection Of People You Didn’t Necessarily Choose 

First, remember that families are just a collection of people . . . who you may have never known if they were not your “family.”

I use the following question hundreds of times a year in my presentations and workshops, see if it helps you immediately:

“If your family wasn’t your family, would they be your friends?”

“No?”

The answer is usually “no!” Not for all of them, but for some for sure.

Families come together through generations and circumstances that are out of our control. Even if you “choose” to marry someone and you become a “family,” it doesn’t mean you are good friends and that there is a positive flow in your relationship. Add to this that we choose, or draw to us, relationships who match the patterns of past family experiences we have had and we keep getting the same kind of people in our lives over and over again.

The people that make up our “families” are a collection and variety of diverse individual personalities. Some you like, some you adore, some you wish you’d never see again!

Because most of humanity is pretty unconscious, most of your family members have no idea that their behavior is inappropriate, irritating, mean-spirited, unkind or ungracious. We all react to our learned insecurities and fears, some more than others. Some know exactly how to push your buttons and do it intentionally.

Different likes and dislikes are one thing–cycle racing vs. ballet; stuffed bears with closets of their own “cute” clothes vs. bear hunting trophies–but when people are downright rude, cruel and manipulative, you need to be prepared and emotionally ready so that their undertow doesn’t ruin your celebration “one more time.”

Strengthen Your Boundaries and Plan Exit Strategies

When you know you’re going into a crazy-making situation with family, or even friend’s families, it’s best to be prepared to take care of yourself first, even if you plan to leave early.

Some things you can do:

1. Smile and buffer your hearing around loud-mouths and Debbie/Donnie Downers. Literally just don’t listen or hear what they are saying, because it doesn’t matter to you anyway.

2. Plan your way out when you’re ready to go. This may mean the whole shebang or just that moment with that one person. Whether you have to “stage right” for the bathroom, “help” in the kitchen, or “go out and check” something, you can get away from the frustrating situation for good or for a while.

3.  Change the subject. Feel free to change the subject mid-sentence into their 3 hour agonizing story!

4. Cell phone distractions. Today’s “phone in a pocket” works great for a quick stop-and-segue. “Oh, my phone is vibrating… hello? Oh, excuse me, I have to take this… in a another room!”

NOTE: Cell phone use and texting can be really rude! So, don’t be the one checking-out this year using your phone as a buffer to actually having fun in the moment with your real family.

5. Have ready-to-use canned phrases to get yourself, or even as a rescue attempt to get another family member out of their pinch. 

6. Tell the truth! Yikes! This one is really hard, but sometimes we really do need to stop the madness and just say, “I’d like to change topics to . . . “, or “I’m not comfortable talking about Aunt Sally one more time, can we talk about something else?” Waking people up is a very good thing for the planet!

7. Breathe and think your own good thoughts, no matter what is happening. If you’re with these people for days, and you can’t leave, take short breaks, breathe and focus your mind on your best thoughts for your world. It doesn’t last forever and you don’t want negative stuff stuck on you for days and weeks and years to come.

8. Don’t take it seriously. I know people who are still talking about “the Christmas of ’89″ and how much their family made them nuts! Let it go! Nothing in life is serious in the big picture. It only gets overwhelming when we take it seriously and personally and let our picture of it and life get too small. Enjoy the people and parts of your family celebration that you can and let go of the rest.

More great tips for sanity are in my ebook, Holiday Stress BE GONE! The Complete Self-Help Guide on How to Change Your Holiday Experiences for GOOD! This book is filled with checklist and pre-planning ideas to take care of you all year long.

Happy Holidays!

Kim

How to create world peace and wellness (joy makes up happy, happy heals our body!)one food court at a time!! Excellent, thank you Flash Mob! …course, it does make me hungry for all kinds of junk food!

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My audiences (and really, about anyone I meet!), hear me share a few nuggets of wisdom (okay, lots of nuggets!), but the nugget that is near and dear to my heart and that is a core issue for so many people, especially women, is …

“If your family wasn’t your family, would they be your friends?”

NO!!!! (Run screaming!)

Staying focused on your life, decisions and choices takes courage and strength with family, but especially during the holidays.

Blessed are they who have functional families who live, work and play in harmony. If you have this kind of family, bravo! You may want to read on for the rest of your friends!

I am not insulting anyone. It’s just a fact that many of us, in every generation, grow up in families where we have little or nothing in common with these people called “family” with whom we are suppose to freely love and share our time, plans and joy.

Many of these people we don’t really know, or like, don’t want to talk to, are needy, act like helpless victims, are trouble, etc. AND… it’s our job to love them anyway. What a Catch-22, eh? Sometimes we love them best at an arms length, sometimes a couple of states or countries away-length! It’s also our job to protect our hearts, time and sanity while caring about them and loving them as much as we can.

Taking care of yourself is imperative when around family who are hard to be around. You will have to say “no” sometimes and maybe more often than you have been. They will not like it! They will not like you! My gem of an answer to this is, “Oh, well!” (You really have to hear my say it in person to appreciate it fully!!)

If you find yourself griping and complaining and “venting” more often than not about “them”… it’s time to re-evaluate who you are in your relationship with “them.” You also must remember that we teach people how to treat us! There is some “retraining” necessary to change what is happening.

A long-time friend called last night and needed a “reality check” and to vent. Her parents are going to the hospital yet again and asking her to “take care of them” on the trip and afterwards, “again.” My friend, I’ll call her Joy (!) has a sibling who lives just down the block who will not take any part in helping out. Her excuse is that she has a job and kids and can’t leave. Joy is self-employed, her parents don’t see her “job” as serious and that she can take off anytime and care for them. She also has plans for travel and business trips on her calendar which she’d have to cancel and lose, as she did once already, if she says “yes.” Guilting, tears, whining and martyrdom ensued.

Joy was headed for trance-ville – confused, angry, stressed and overwhelmed. She called knowing that she’d get my standard permission line and gems of guidance:

1. YOU HAVE PERMISSION to say NO.

2. Life is very short.

3. Their story is their story, not yours.

4. And… your story is your story, no one else’s. 

Every time you are asked to do something for others, making their crises-du-jour more important than yours, and you jump and lose yourself to take care of them, I call that being “user-friendly.” You need to weigh the events and situations each time of course, but jumping unconsciously over and over again will surely keep you off any solid path for your best life.

Most importantly, make sure that you do have a positive and honest support group of friends, and/or professional group who can help you get to the core of YOUR needs and necessities around your family so that you don’t lose yourself and another couple of years and opportunities for happiness and well-being.

So, I must bring it up now… the holidays are here! Run screaming!!! 

I really do want you to have the best experience this year, which means you’ll need the best armour, solutions, tools and keys with which to deal the most effectively with YOUR family and the trancing we call Holidays.

I strongly recommend you order my ebook HOLIDAY STRESS BE GONE! The Complete Self-Help Guide on How to Change Your Holiday Experiences for GOOD! , you will find it in my online store . You’ll find several other ebooks and my book Letting Go With All Your Might there too, dealing with family and situations where you have not learned healthy boundaries but are ready to be more courageous and strong for the rest of your life.

If your family wasn’t your family, would they be your friends?

Happy Holidays, from me to you.

Kim

I don’t know who Bill Winch is, but what a great essay! I posted this a few  years ago and thought it needs to be brought up to date again and shared.Thank you Bill for sounding my sentiments!

KEEPERS — Recycle Queens and a Time for Fixing Things: Guest Article

I grew up in the fifties with a practical parent — a mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had name for it.

A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other.

It was the time for fixing things — a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there’d always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer’s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t any ‘more.’ Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away… never to return.

                                                              So… while we have it…
                                                                 it’s best we love it…
                                                                     and care for it…
                                                          and fix it when it’s broken…
                                                           and heal it when it’s sick.

This is true… for marriage… and old cars… and children with bad report cards… and dogs with bad hips… and aging parents… and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away — or — a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special…..and so, we keep them close!

Good friends are like stars….

You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

Thank you Bill. Yes, love is a verb.

The holidaze are fast approaching. But, don’t use this time of year, like a must, have to, should or excuse to be extra nice — do it all year long.

Organize your time, thoughts and energy to make sure as often as possible, and then again, to thank people in your life; to acknowledge them with “actions” of love, gratitude and affection as well as compassion, care and kindness.

My friends Nancy and Sherry and I walked the WWs 5K today!

Get support for your weight loss and healthy lifestyle.

Walk, run, swim, laugh, love… with your friends and your healthy body this year!

Give your mom a unique gift with a very personal touch showing your appreciation.
 
Maybe your mother has about everything she needs, or is at that age where she tells you not to buy her anything, or is tired of flowers and candy. How many bouquets of flowers have you sent to your mother on Mother’s Day?
 
If you’d like to be a lot more personal and loving (we can never share enough appreciation) then this is a great idea that you alone, with siblings or with your family can do for mom this week!
 
This very inexpensive, cool idea can be whipped together in a few hours and even sent in the mail to get to her on time this Saturday if necessary! And, it’s something she can dip into anytime to remind her of all good things and you.
 
Mom’s Mason Jar of Love
 
What you’ll need:
1) a nice clean clear Mason canning jar, ideally one with the metal clip ring around it with glass lid, not just the screw on lid, but either will do
 
2) cut 2″ x 3″or 4″ pieces of bright colored paper
 
3) 4-6″ pieces of twine or ribbon
 
4) thin marker pen
 
On the small rectangles of paper, jot down recollections of your mother: her favorite perfume, an unforgettable vacation you took together, a saying she repeated again and again when you were a kid, the favorite foods she cooked/s, the way she sings, dances, cares for others, cared/s for you, etc. Just think of things you’d tell others about her that has supported you in life, that make you happy and glad she’s your mom.
 
Roll up each one and tie it with a piece of twine or ribbon.
 
Fill the Mason jar with your handwritten scrolls.
 
You can wrap the jar in tissue paper or cellophane gathered at the top with ribbon and a tag, or put in a box, or just hand to her. It’s pretty without wrapping too.
 
Little Notes of Love
Whether you’re there to watch your mom read each little note or not, your mom will love unraveling the messages one by one to see what you wrote!
 
You might send a box of tissues with it!
 
Are you the mom?
Print this out and leave in an obvious place where your partner and kids are sure to find it!!
 
Use this idea over and over again for any person or occasion!
 
PS Happy Mother’s Day to you (where applicable!)

In order to stay sane (and create less stress and chaos), it’s important to learn when to say no.

There are only so many hours in a day, no matter who you are or how much money you have. 24 hours, period.

You can practice by saying no today to:

• phone calls asking for money or your time (ask that they take you off their call list too by the way!)
• committees needing your great skills and awesome disposition
• getting of mailings
• not being what I call “user-friendly”, taking care of everyone but yourself first

Choose what you will be involved in and schedule yourself in. Then stop.

Practice clearly and kindly setting your boundaries with effective assertive communication like, “Thanks for asking, however I’m already committed (or scheduled) in. Great success with your project and I’ll pass on your information to others I might know who’d be interested.”

In the end, a ”good no” is to:

  – Be clear.
  – Be kind.
  – Be helpful. And,
  – Be gracious.

Be a awesome human-BE-ing to yourself first, then to others, you will give much more in the long run.