DrDeClutterBlog.com

Losses throughout the year of any kind, human, animal, health, wealth or of spirit can take an extra toll during the holiday weeks. Here are a few steps to take care of yourself during this time.

1. Make time to grieve.

Set aside time to really feel your feelings, cry your tears and let it all go where it needs to. Your body needs to mourn your loss or change all the way through.

2. Get support from others.

It’s not always easy to ask for help. Being “strong” isn’t smart. Being “human” is. Whether you talk to family or friends or see a counselor or minister, you will find layers of grief just waiting to spring forth when you talk to someone else and tell your story once more.

3. Develop skills that help you remember you are a worthwhile person.

You can let grief control you and fall into a deep depression or illness, chipping away at your self worth; you can ignore and deny it and stay busy, keeping your “mind off of it”; or, you can gain knowledge of how to embrace your pain and grow positively from it.

4. Create a physical environment that supports rather than stresses you.

During the mourning process stress levels increase. You need to create a space where you feel safe, comfortable, quiet when you need it and nurtured, even if only by yourself.

5. Take care of yourself.

There are physical as well as emotional aspects of grief. Exercise increases your strength and stamina and reduces your stress. Healthy eating gives your body the good nourishment it needs. Find quiet time. Schedule a massage to stay connected with your body.

Bottom line, grief is hard. Make sure to take the time to face it and deal with it, otherwise it will affect you for years to come.

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
~ Will Shriner, Comedian

Sometimes we don’t get to really grieve a parent or other loved ones passing - we are stilted for some reason - not really crying out the loss or shock, or laughing about the good times. Grief and feelings of sadness can be lifelong of course, but the initial grief process is very important.

I found out about the Jewish Mourning Rituals  ”Sitting Shiva” from watching a TV sitcom! It is a very good process for taking the time to really deal with the immediate emotions of loss. I thought that most of us non-Jewish people could use some of this wisdom. ”The mourners experience a week (shiva is from the word sheva, which means seven) of intense grief, and the community is there to love and comfort and provide for their needs. This is a critical point, for if one must feel the heart-wrenching pain of grief and loss, it should be done at a time when all those around are there to help and comfort.”

But what if you didn’t get that kind of “ritual?” What if you scurried around at the time of the funeral, flew in and flew home, or are still stuck with emotions and don’t know how to let them go?

WHAT TO DO? I suggested something to a client this week while helping her deal with her mother’s death (over two years ago) and tubs of letters, cards and “things” that she didn’t know how to let go of, but can be as helpful as Sitting Shiva.

EXERCISE: I suggested that she and her sister plan a weekend, rent a hotel room, take all the tubs of letters and cards that were saved by them all and go through them together. In this process they will be able to remember, share, really cry, weep, mourn, feel, “emote” and after all, laugh. They may also get angry, that’s okay too.

When we don’t have the time or some situation keeps us from moving our emotions out of our bodies there is a kind of fog or sense of “not quite here”-ness where we spend our days. Emotions get stuck in our bodies. Our job is to let them run their course freely and completely. This exercise is a great way to get them moving, as well as strengthen a relationship with a sibling or other family members who will join in.

What if the conversation and emotions turn to anger or negative memories? Take some tablets and markers. Write it out and walk all over it. Jump up and down on it! Rage and cry and move it out some more.

Don’t worry about looking foolish. Releasing emotions from our body is necessary for a healthy mind and body. Go for it!

And, if you don’t have a sibling or family member to do this exerise with close by, or at all, call a friend who loves you enough to “Sit Shiva” with you for a few days in a nice hotel, creating a deeper relationship with you too.

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.

I’ve been working with several clients recently who have lost parents or grandparents and are dealing with the aftermath of material possessions and what to do with it all. And, even though they may have siblings, together they are still stuck and the “job” is not getting done. Some have all the items in storage, others have crammed it into their homes, but it’s all taking up too much emotional energy and space.  

When our parents, grandparents or other family members pass away, someone - sometimes you or I - are designated to clean out the house and all the belongings. This can be more than some people can handle emotionally.

It’s not easy, but there are a few things you can do to move into and past this heavy “project.”

1. As I ask every client and workshop participant, “If your house (all this stuff) burned down today, would you miss it?” Many times people will stop, look startled, then sigh and say, “That would actually be great! I wouldn’t have to decide or deal with it at all!”

2. But, you do! So, in your mind, if your home was all cleared out, all the stuff from your parents/grandparents, etc. who you’re decluttering is gone and you start with a clean slate, what would you bring back in and keep, because you really love it?

3. Don’t hold onto things because you think you should. Only keep the items that really resonate with you and you really love. Keep your home your home, not a museum to the past - someone else’s past.

4. Make sure to really enjoy the items you keep. Display, wear or use them with joy. Don’t bury them for another 20-50 years for the next generation to toss into the dumpster!

5. Overtime you may find that you’ve gotten what you needed out of an item and you’re okay with letting it go. Do so with love and kindness.

6. Breathe deeply and let yourself grieve as you must to release the emotions stuck in all the stuff and memories good and bad fall move through you - so that they don’t get stuck.

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.

Sooner or later you may be the overwhelmed recipient of your parents and/or grandparents stuff and things, piles, heaps, boxes and memarobilia, some of it just clutter.

You can’t keep it all. You may not have room for it. You may not care about it. It may be just too exhausting and time consuming to deal with.

What to do?

1. Take out all the stuff you want, and really have room for, and start enjoying it for the great family memories they have. 

2. If you think there’s money in them-thar-hills (of stuff) call a property appraiser and get an idea of what things are worth and then what to do with the assessment.

3. If you know there’s stuff to sell for the big bucks, call estate planners, pay them to take care of it, hopefully reaping some income from the end result.

4. Do it yourself. If there are antiques, jewelry, etc. that you don’t want or don’t have room for, but could bring in income and you’re into taking the time and effort to use online sales systems get on Ebay or Craigslist, have a garage or estate sale yourself.

5. If there is no real monitary value to anything, just great family memories, take a deep breath!, cull through it keeping only what you really have room for and really love, and donate the rest. Get a tax deduction for the donation.

Cleaning and clearing out our families memories, our memories of our families and the past is very hard to do for most people. But, with a few steps forward you can decide and take appropriate action on a daily or weekly basis to get it completed - and then sit back and remember all the good stuff.

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
~ From a headstone in Ireland

I was just online contacting companies who have sent way too many fundraiser and contribution letters to my mom over the years - asking that she be removed from their lists. When I came back from Nebraska this time I brought back several of dad’s farming magazines too. As I picked up one to enter the URL into the computer I burst out crying.

You never know when it will hit you. 

Dad passed away Dec. 4., he had macular degeneration for over 15 years, but he continued to get his farming magazines and catalogues as it just wasn’t a thing to stop or discontinue yet, even though he couldn’t read them. Mom was okay letting me take a few of them this time.

And so it is with loss and love and memories of better times in our lives with our families and friends. Dad loved farming. He loved cows especially. He loved the land and crops and tractors and talking with other farmers about farming.

Grief cannot be hurried and will catch you in moments unaware throughout life, that’s just how it works.

I hope you let yourself release your good and sad and other emotions when they come up too. It’s a very healthy thing to do for yourself and your family.

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.

Do you have your funeral planned already? No? You’re not alone. Most people don’t and don’t want to think about “that!” now.

Well, “that” is going to happen to every one of us no matter if we plan or not!

So, even though thinking about your own funeral may leave you feeling a little uneasy, you’ll find that planning your own service offers great emotional and even financial security for you and your family. It will also keep your family from being overwhelmed at a time when they don’t need more pain.

As you may know, my dad died in December. He and my mom had everything planned for a few years. And, the preplanning created ease and comfort where not having these plans “in stone” (pun intended), would have made for a lot of unnecessary stress and hardship.

Preplanning your funeral also gives people peace of mind knowing that they can live now more freely because it’s all taken care of. It’s literally an “inner declutter and organizing.”

Here are a few steps to preplan your funeral: 

1. Whether you’re giving your body to science, being buried or cremated, there are arrangements and paperwork to be completed.

2. Contact funeral homes in your community, or appropriate businesses who will take care of your needs.

A funeral director can walk you through the prearrangement process.  The NFDA recommends prearranging for everyone and developed the Bill of Rights for Funeral Preplanning as a resource for understanding what to expect from a preneed contract.

3. Once you’ve made your prearrangements, keep a copy of your plan and any pertinent paperwork in a safe place.

4. Inform a close friend or relative of the arrangements you have made and where the information may be found.

These steps are really quite simple, though emotions and fear can bring up every resistance to procrastinate. Don’t. Jump in to explore and decide for your life. You’ll be surprised at the beliefs and decisions that will surface that will deepen your ideas and values of your life. That’s a good thing!

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.

Whether someone you love has passed away, recently or years ago, or you’ve lost the love of your life to medical issues or even a divorce or breakup, this time of year – celebrating Valentine’s Day – can be a rough week.
 
Here are quick tips on how to deal with grief and start the recovery during Valentine’s Day from Louise Zweben, CEO of SympathyTree.com

1. Create an online memorial that brings your family and friends together from all over the world to share stories of love and loss, sadness and joy, written in words, photos and video about the person you lost; to help us smile, laugh, cry and embrace our loved one’s life in an effort to make sense of our loss. While allowing you to create a very nice tribute to them on this special day, online memorial also provides the comfort of a close community and allows us to take the first steps needed to move forward. See SympathyTree.com

2. Collect photographs and watch videos of you with your loved one as a way to remember the times you shared with them.  You do not want to just block it out.  Moving on starts with looking back.

3. Invite friends or family over to share a meal or some time together.  Time spent with them can be a very cathartic and reflective time and begins the process of putting things in perspective.

4. When your loved one has died, start the process of getting your business matters in order so you can begin to bring some normalcy back in your life. This involves getting in order the tax records, property records, investment records, insurance and retiree benefit records, as well as addressing trivial issues such as getting utility bills, bank accounts and credit cards in your name.  Working with close family members or an attorney is the right way to start.  Don’t postpone them for too long. Start something small on this Valentine’s Day.

5. Pledge to join a support group, so you can learn to cope with the loss of someone who was a part of what made us what we are.  So, what do we do, how do we go on after they are gone and how do we deal with the grief? In addition to family and friends, a support group can help you during this difficult time. 

6. Visit their grave, so you can tell them how much you loved them and miss them.  Say things you forgot to say when you were together, as if they are standing right in front of you.  You may be carrying burdens of guilt, which unless released, will come in the way of your moving forward.  Start unleashing those burdens this Valentine’s Day.

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest
that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
~ Jan Glidewell, Times North Suncoast columnist, St. Petersburg, FL (retired)

I’ve been in many homes in my life, and especially as an organizer, where people have so much of their past in their present that they can’t enjoy their “now,” today or a tomorrow.

Are you ready to open up your present, to live and enjoy it now? (Before it’s too late?!) 

Let go of the past.

Start with what’s in front of you, don’t even think of going into storage yet! Start with today’s messes and piles, boxes and bags that haven’t been put in their “homes” and haven’t a real place to “live” — so they’re lost and wondering around your house and mind.

Everything needs to have a permanent, realistic and organized “home.”

After you’ve dealt with the everyday stuff, start moving into closets and garages, attics, basements and storage units.

It’s not easy, but important — especially if you’re actually PAYING for storage!!

Can’t do it alone? This is why you hire me, a Professional Organizer to come help you dig out — not just of the physical and materials photos, inherited stuff and things and paper, but of the emotions that are laced into everything you look at and pick up, stopping you, freezing you in your tracks.  A Professional Organizer can help you move through and past your emotions and resistance, grief and sadness, anger, pain and stuck places.

And, here I’ll add my signature speech lines that every audience hears, no matter what my program topic! . . .

“If you die today, which anyone of us can, what are you leaving for your family to deal with? Do you realize that they may just throw all of your stuff out? Make responsible decisions now, giving things to the people you love and want them to have; donating as you really want; selling, thrifting, etc. by your choice, not by default.”

My clients realize each time I work with them what I know very well, that letting go of the past — moving past and releasing what is not alive and happy and brings you joy — opens up a whole new level of energy, emotions, thinking, clarity and freedom.  As several of my clients have remarked, “I feel like I’ve lost weight! I’m so much lighter!”

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.

My dad died in December and my mom (our family) received over 200, and still coming, cards and memorials. We are all very grateful for the outpouring of love and kindness. At the same time, this being my first “first-hand” experience with a funeral and such, I learned lots of little things that I want to share.

TO GIVE

1) Healthy Food: It’s helpful for the family to have good food to eat those first few days after a death, or even leading into it if they are in the hospital a lot and death is impending. Foods like soups, casseroles, etc., even a dozen eggs, cans of good soup or frozen hamburger with buns is helpful. A veggie plate is also good for snacking.

2) Money: directly to the family. Memorials are usually in the form of money. Checks and cash directly to the surviving spouse and family in the name of the deceased.  

3) Money: to charities or causes directed by the family, in our case, the Farwell, Nebraska Volunteer Fire Department and QRTs, Humane Society (local branches or national) Guide Dogs of America or the American Foundation for the Blind (my dad had macular degeneration and was over 80% blind the last 12 years of his life.)

4) Postage Stamps: This seems odd, but such a good idea. If you’re going to send thank you cards to everyone who sent and gave you money, food, help, etc., you have to put stamps on those envelopes. How nice to get a book of stamps.

5) Time: Ask how you can help and let them know that you’re available by phone or visits when/if they need you when you can. People need to talk at some point and being there for them is a real blessing. Make sure to check in every two weeks or so too, as after the funeral, especially if they are surrounded by family, they don’t need you as much as they will later when it’s “back to normal” again, and the loneliness sets in.

NOT TO GIVE (Just two things that were glaring to me)

1) Food of little substance: When a death happens “out of the blue” and people offer food, it may be hard to come up with a healthy dish quickly, but giving lots of sugar laden foods like brownies, cookies and/or chips, etc. isn’t helpful. Sweets are yummy for sure, but when someone is going through that much stress they need protein and healthy food to support their health through those next few days and week.

2) Flowers and Plants: It’s so easy to think of giving flowers and maybe plants, but flowers don’t last long and the money could better be used for support of the surviving as decided by them; and plants, well, just “no!” Getting small or large plants can be a chore to take care of; nowhere to put them ; the person may not have a “green thumb, or thought” as to how to take care of them; stressful to remember to take care of them, and more stressful when they start dying. Who needs more stress and guilt at a time like this!

In fact, I just met someone this week who has had a plant from her husbands death over two years ago. She said, “It looks really bad and I should just throw it out, but it has those memories and I feel bad about it even though I’m getting remarried!”

Giving someone plants actually creates more work and stress most of the time.

I want to genuinely thank everyone for everything, from soup and bread, to cookies and rolls, monetary gifts and memorials.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal. ”
~ From a headstone in Ireland

©2009 Kim Wolinski, MSW “Dr. DeClutter” Stress, Change and Organizational Skills Expert  www.drdeclutter.com

Editors and publishers are free to reprint blog articles as long as it is reprinted in its entirety and the signature line remains intact.